The Stones are a group of eight stones, coming in two packages, Gay and Straight.

The way to get a stone is to talk to a Gay God or Straight God and allowing them to take your soul and put it into an ordinary stone. The stone, now with your soul, takes the form of what your personality would look like as an object. The reason someone may do this is because it is a place to keep your soul. 

Each Gay Gang and Straight Gang member has their own stone, each with their unique appearance. They are almost impossible to open, but once you open them, you can take the remains of what was inside, then destroy them.


The Eight Straight Stones. From left to right: Christopher, Andy, Troy, Franco, David, Barry, Will and Mick.


The eight Gay Stones. From left to right: Julian's, Bill's, Sebastian's, Syed's, Jack's, Ianto's, Samuel's and Dick's.

Christopher's stone is black, with a very faint face of Christopher carved into the side. It is very, VERY hard to open. If you were to shag it open, it would take 605,584,574,584 shags to open. It is 105% fireproof, waterproof and thunderproof. If you were to break it open with something, nothing except a special one inch stone would work. Since many, many stones look alike, you have a 0.1% chance of finding it in the world, and nobody knows what it looks like because no one has ever found it. It is unknown what is inside this stone.

Andy's stone is red, but burned on the right side. It has little rainbow specks on the bottom of the burn, which formed when Julian found his stone and tried to shag it open, but failing. It is hard to open, it would take 50,000,000 shags to open it. To open Andy's stone, you have to retrieve the 1,000,000,000% rare diamond and gold combined knife, which is frozen in ice on the top of Mount Saint Helens. The ice is the coldest ice in the world, and not even Julian can shag it open. When you get the knife, you have to cut off the little bit poking out of the end and tip out the remains, then eat the stone or the remains will turn to dust. It is unknown what is inside.

Troy's stone is dark blue in an unknown shape. It slightly resembles a cat. It is fairly easy to open. It requires 300 shags to open. 

Franco's stone is also unknown, in a very light lavender. It slightly resembles a deformed ape skull. It would take 70,000 shags to open.

David's stone is light yellow with a burn on the side. The burn formed by the Shagaboom. The Shagaboom happened on April 3rd 2010 at 15:33 when it was too powerful and burnt the side of the stone. It resembles a brain, since David is very clever. It is fairly hard to open and requires 400,000 shags to open.

Barry's stone is purpley-pink and white. It resembles a candy cane and is the easiest to break out of the eight. If you have muscles, then you can easily break it. When opened, many and many mini heads of Barry come pouring out, all repeatedly saying "I'm Willy Wonka, you broke me, hahahahahahaha!", The talking never stops. It would take 50 shags to open.

Will's stone is turquoise. It is unknown what it resembles. It would take 10,000 shags to open.

Mick's stone is orange. It is unknown what it resembles. It would take 900,000 shags to open. To open it, you need to put one of the orange spikes in your buttocks. Each orange spike is covered in tiny sharp needles. You need to put each of the orange spikes in your buttocks until you hear a "click". You either take a lucky guess or try each orange spike. If you get it wrong, then the end of the orange spike breaks off and stays in your buttocks. Gunpowder and other things are stored inside. You have ten seconds to take a poo to poop it out, or get blown up. Once you get the right spike, it opens and you can take what is inside.

Julian's stone is pink. It resembles a heart. It would take 593,483,483,807 shags to open. You have a 1 in 7,000,000,000 chance of Julian's heart stone to come out of your toilet when you are sitting on it. You'll feel something shoot up your bumcrack. If you don't get off the toilet, it will open up inside your body and sprinkle gay dust inside, turning you permanently ultra gay.

Bill's stone is red. It resembles a heart. It would take 458,573,293,705 shags to open. To open Bill's stone you have to shove it up your bum, through your intenstines and until it enters your stomach. The acid in your stomach then has to burn the heart, leaving the insides in your stomach. The only way to get the remains from the heart out is to have a) Surgery b) Vomit it up and c) Get a hook and pull it out your bellybutton.(VERY DANGEROUS). However, Bill's stone was already opened by Christopher Gaihaita Tottington by finding old caveman poop in a very high mountain and molding the poo into a sword shape, putting it in a freezing cold bucket of water and leaving it to freeze for the night. In the morning, he can break the ice and take the ice sword out and break the stone with it. Inside the stone were many golden willies worth £5,000,000,000 each.